A 3 am wake-up and a two-hour bumpy ride around the mountain, in nondescript white van, was not exactly was I was hoping for on the morning when I woke up feeling like crap. If the drive out to Gaansbaai was not torture enough, if we did eventually get there in one piece, I was expected to get into a cage, that going to be submerged in shark infested waters. This was actually something I had been ( mildly) excited about. More nervous than excited if I am honest. I surf, so I have a healthy fear of sharks. Getting into a cage to say hello to them, is not exactly my first instinct.
The reason that I woke up feeling sick was, I suffer from Ulcerative Colitis.It’s an auto immune disease that, in my case targets the colon and digestive system. A condition which at times renders me, because of excruciating pain unable to get out of bed. I have been hesitant to talk about my disease until now because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I hate pity and I will not accept it. I lead a full, wonderful life. When I am healthy I make the most of it. I travel, I explore, I go out and see the world, I play music, I spend time with people I love and I write, which is my passion. The bad days are the ones which I dread and, are also the reason why my blog has been sporadic, I have been ill as of late. When I have flair ups, all I can do is lay in bed. I know you’re thinking since I’m in bed, I could blog from there. I assure you, there no writing going on when I’m in pain, besides reaching for my vicodin at my regular 4 hour allocated intervals and trying to sleep in-between that, I am not inspired to write nor do I have the strength for it. The pain feels like someone is cutting me open from the inside with a hacksaw, slowly and deliberately. Sometimes it feels like they are cutting away at my resolve as well as my tender flesh, those days are the hardest. The days when I feel sorry for myself. Lucky for me, those days are very few and I have not had one of those in a while.
On the morning of the shark cage dive I didn’t realise how bad my pain was until I had gotten on the boat, when I did I realised to my horror that I had forgotten to pack my pain meds. I always have pain medication on hand, in my handbag just incase, but I didn’t bring my bad this day. I just threw a few things into Mr’s backpack and in my hurry at 3am, I forgot my pain medication. The sinking feeling I felt when I realised what was happening, that I was out in the middle of the ocean and the waves of pain would come and I would have nothing to help fend them off, was more terrifying than the great whites circling the boat.
Putting on a brave face, what I do best.
One of the crew throwing out the chum for the sharks
Shark pictures courtesy of Kai
After the first hour, my prescription anti-nausea meds ( zofran) had thankfully kept me from throwing up. I had packed those because I suffer from chronic motion sickness and I knew I would need those for the boat. I started to feel worse with every ticking minute and when it came time to change into my wetsuit, I just wanted to put into a lifeboat and paddled out to shore. Somehow, I managed to squeeze into my suit and then waited for my turn in the cage. It came all to quickly, but when it did I couldn’t bring myself to go. The thought of being in that cage, made me want to pass out. So Mr. ( at my insistence, because my sweet husband wanted to stay with me) and my friends went into the cage without me. I lay on a bench, curled up in misery, willing that this part of the trip would be over.
I don’t like this picture. It shows me vulnerable and weak, but that’s exactly what this entire post is about, opening up and showing my weakness. Kai, took this picture and I was so mad at him when I saw it, but now I’m glad he did, because I am stronger than this moment.
I passed out for a few minutes. I got a lollipop from the crew, who thought I was suffering from seasickness. I of course didn’t correct them and I took the lollipop, gladly.
Everyone had done their dive except me and the captain of the ship said we still had two hours left out there and that people could go out for second dives if they wanted. As I lay there I made the decision. I would have to lay there for two hours in pain and agony anyway. I might as well at least try to do the dive, I came all the way out on that boat, I was bloody hell going to at least try! I don’t know where I got the strength but I got up, much to everyone’s surprise, and told the captain I wanted to attempt a dive. Mr. went with me and 3 other people who wanted to do another dive. The water was like ice, it was 9 C to be exact, I think the icy water numbed my body so all I could feel was cold. I spotted 3 great whites within 30 minutes and then I was done. The Captain told us that our group was lucky that we had seen so many that day. 9 in total on the trip! I was sick for 2 days after the shark dive but seeing them up close will always mean more to me than I could put into words. I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I still went in and did the dive. I fought my pain, I fought the urge to feel to feel sorry for myself, curl up in a ball and say “woe is me, my illness took one more thing from me”. I fought back and I faced off with a few sharks to boot!
This Travellers Heart 